A while back we had a party at our place in Virginia. One of the gals just sent me some pictures. I often disrobe when I drink tequila.In my Swedish comic book I often give advice. Here’s an entry from 2011…
Last time I gave you single guys out there some hints on how to meet and woo beautiful women. Unfortunately, for many of you who are such pathetic losers, even my carefully researched advice doesn’t work. There are a few among you, even if you had a face like Brad Pitt, a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger (a long time ago), and smelled like a rose bud in May, you couldn’t pick up a hundred dollar bill if it landed in your lap. It’s called Natural Selection. It’s nature’s way of making sure you don’t foul the gene pool. But you shouldn’t despair, because there lots more in life than women. Think about it. All women do once you marry one of them is cook your food, clean the house, make the bed, iron your clothes, wash the dishes, wash the windows, paint the house, slop the hogs, milk the cow, pay the bills, buy your beer, and once every three or four years give you a little wink-wink nudge-nudge. Who needs that? There are lots of interesting social organizations out there which you can join and which can give meaning to your pitiful, banal existence. Here are just a few:
A. The International Frog Club (IFC). The IFC is an organization of frog aficionados. They love everything about frogs: their buggy eyes, how they eat flies with their long sticky tongues, how they feel crawling all over your body when you take your Saturday bath etc. Events include Thursday Night Frog Kissing, the Dress Your Frog Like Michael Jackson, and the ever popular Guess Where I Hid My Frog game.
B. The He-Man Moose Slapping Club (H-MMSC). Members go into the forest and slap mooses.
C. The He-Man Ambulance Club (H-MAC). Most members of the H-MMSC are also members of the H-MAC.
C. The Itchy Men’s Association (IMA). This, as the club’s name implies, is for men who constantly scratch themselves. I’m sure you’ve noticed them. They scratch their heads, their armpits, their backs, their feet, their crotches, no matter where they are or whom they’re with. You’d probably feel right at home in this group. Weekly meetings feature discussions and lectures on such diverse topics as:
How to Sit on Your Haunches and Scratch Your Ear with Your Foot Like a Dog
Scratching at the Dinner Table – Fingernails or Fork?
Is It OK to Take Down Your Pants in Public to Scratch Your butt?
D. The Delphinium Society (DS). Learn the manly art of pressing wild flowers.
E. Sunday Morning Pig Wrestlers (SMPW)*. This is only for the athletic. But strength is not the only prerequisite. It takes lightening reflexes and a keen wit to outsmart and subdue a 300 pound Yorkshire brood sow.
F. The Lutefisk and Yodeling Society (LF&YS). Members come together every other Thursday evening to eat lutefisk and yodel.
G. The Broken Toe World Cup Club (BTWCC). The game is played according to the same rules as regular soccer, except the standard leather ball is replaced with an eighteen pound Brunswick bowling ball.
H. The Monday Morning World Cup Club (MMWCC). Comprised of former members of the BTWCC. Instead of a leather ball they use an over-ripe cassaba melon.
I. The Stationary Bird Watchers Society (SBWS). Instead of going onto the forest to watch wild birds, they go to the supermarket and watch dead chickens.
J. The Fungus Club (FC). Members meet monthly and discuss their fungus infections.
K. The Pyorrhea Club (PC) See entry “J” above.
L. Grandma’s Little Skinheads (GLSH). Members shave their heads, pierce their ears, lips, noses, eyebrows and nipples, file their teeth, and have a chest tattoo that reads “Grandma went to Disney World and all I got was this fucking tattoo”.
*There is a rival organization to the SMPW called Sunday Morning Naked Pig Wrestlers (SMNPW). These people are just a little too weird. Steer clear.
I’m declaring this International Man’s best Friend Day. That’s for everybody who loves dogs. I had a wonderful dog named Cleo back in the 70′s. I had another good one named Jet 15 years ago. Here are two dog Sundays from 1991. I didn’t have a computer then, so they are only in black and white.