Our little old shack on the Chesapeake is stacked floor to ceiling with junk. Frau Grace’s concept of downsizing is moving all your crap into a smaller house. But at least we’ve moved. I get here to find out that my IMac is all messed up . I have to take it to Annapolis tomorrow to the Apple store. But guess what we had for dinner last night…
Yes, folks the supermarket now sells elk. For those in Scandinavia, this is not a moose. They call mooses elks in Scandinavia. An elk is the second largest member of the deer family. If you have never seen an elk, here’s what they look like:I haven’t been able for the past two weeks. I’m going nutz. I won’t be able to draw tomorrow either. I’m in withdrawal. Here’s a page from the Ernie comic book from 2011. I know most of my male readers have a hard time meeting attractive members of the opposite sex. I’m here to help:
I’ve been thinking. Every time I’ve written this column lately, it seems that all I talk about is myself. And I’ve been doing some thinking and some soul-searching. Is this what life and all about? ME?! Well actually it is, but occasionally I should take some time and consider you. Yes, you, the fine people who read my comics. Of course, about half of you can’t really read. What you do is look at the pictures and turn the pages. But even so, you all deserve my attention. Now I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not good at giving advice to my female readers (or picture lookers, as the case may be). I happen to be married to one of your kind, and over the years I’ve learned that it’s best not to even attempt to tell a woman, any woman, what to do. I have several permanent lumps on the back of my parietal bone which attest to that fact. But I can be of service to my male readers. (At least to the ones who can read. If you can’t read, you’re not reading this, so it doesn’t matter, does it? Maybe if you can read you could help some half-wit, say your brother-in-law, by reading this to him.)
Now, it must be obvious to you, that you, assuming that you’re a single male, are a total loser. Because if you weren’t a loser, you wouldn’t be sitting there reading this comic book. You’d be out at a bar, or the mall, or the duck pond, or some other place picking up chicks. Remember, you have one thing going for you that married men lack. You don’t have any lumps on your cranial bones. That comes later assuming you’re smart and you take my advice. To make it easy for you I’ve written down some basic rules which will make that special gal melt in your arms.
A. Personal hygiene: Here is a simple checklist that you should go over before you leave your house on your hunt for a female companion.
1. Women are not attracted to stinky men who never bathe. As absurd as this concept might seem, it is an irreversible fact. Go figure. Wash your size twelves and your armpits. These are your primary stink organs.
2. Check your teeth for spinach. Women don’t like to kiss a man who has spinach or cabbage or stuff like that stuck between his teeth. And this is really for your own good as well. Nothing can destroy a romantic moment as quickly as when she sucks in a hunk of spinach and gags in your mouth as you softly press your lips to hers. (If she gags while you’re trying to lick her tonsils, that’s ok)
3. Make sure you blow your nose good. (See item 2 above about gagging)
B. Go to where the women are. More specifically, go to where the type of woman you’re looking for hang out. For example, if you want a babe that prays a lot, go to a church. If you want a chick who likes to get sloppy drunk and puke all over your shirt, go to bars. If you’re looking for a woman who has running sores all over her body, go to a leper colony.
C. Compliment her. Don’t be negative. Find something you like about her and say something nice about it. Here are some examples:
1. “You smell like my mother.”
2. “For a fat girl, you don’t sweat much.”
3. “Your running sores seem to be clearing up” (See leper colony above)
D. Bring her presents. Find out what she likes and give it to her. If she’s fat, bring her a pie. If she’s bulimic bring her some ipecac. Some women like to collect certain things. Frau Grace, for example, likes to collect little mooses. Suppose your lady love is into teddy bears. Give her your old teddy bear, if you can bear to part with it. Suppose she likes teaspoons. Swipe some teaspoons for her. Suppose she collects lint. Let her dig through your belly button.
And good luck.